Speech 11

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, now before I being I would like to introduce myself to all those I haven’t yet had the chance to meet. My name is Joe and it is my very great pleasure and privilege to be Frank’s best man for today’s celebrations. Over the next few minutes we’ll be talking about the man for whom Scottish Independence now means asking his English wife if he can go to the pub at the weekend. I can’t help but thinking Frank that going there alone may have some benefits but going there together could work as well…only one thing for it…a referendum!


Anyway, I first met Frank 20 years ago when we were little Scottish indie pop kids going to see bands around Glasgow, and Frank was a master of sartorial elegance. In his mind there was no point just listening to the music, you had to live it through your clothes and hair. And his hair did very much wear it. But if it hadn’t been for his quite dated hairstyle we might not be here today. You see, for many years he sported a very healthy indie pop centre parting with curtains and remarkably didn’t have a girlfriend until he was 30. Eight years ago he decided to get a haircut that didn’t make him look like relic from a bygone age, and so we find ourselves here today.


Anyone who knows Frank will understand just what a quiet, reserved and good natured guy he is, but underneath that still, calm surface there are some pretty strong currents flowing. To some he might not seem like a passionate bloke but there is a love in his life that stirs his sole like no other. She is a fickle mistress and although he loves her deeply sometimes it can be difficult to remember why. I am, of course, talking about Celtic Football Club, or more accurately the pastime of reading about the demise of Glasgow Rangers – which let’s face it is a lot cheaper and less likely to get you into a punch up.


But when he’s not trying to track the dark forces behind his least favourite football club in the world, he also likes to go on holiday. Now going on holiday for Frank is nothing new but the way he goes about it now is very different from the Frank of old. Thanks to his beautiful new wife Emily, Frank now does something called globe trotting which actually involves going to lots of different far flung countries and immersing yourself in their culture, rather than a two hour flight and immersing yourself at the bar.


With this new found love of discovery, Frank and Emily have been to Australia, Vietnam, Central and South America, Africa and with a two year stay in New Zealand. It must have been an incredible experience that I would like to think taught my friend many interesting things and gave them both the journey of a lifetime. I know it certainly taught Emily a few things: the main one being just because someone is an engineer from Glasgow it doesn’t mean they’re necessarily tougher than a nurse from the south of England. In this case he wasn’t. The inspirational Emily was happy to go backpacking several places alone when the boy from Glasgow felt a bit scared!


But it’s not the last time our hero would feel a little unnerved in this speech. You see, Frank had been planning for some time to ask Emily to marry him and girls being girls Emily had been dropping some two tonne hints for quite a while. So, it was all poised to happen last Christmas. But just like the Battle of Bannockburn, Frank suddenly found some English intruders on his Scottish doorstep in the shape of Emily’s parents and brother. Quite convinced that this was some sort of English trap, Frank panicked and shelved his proposal plans until the marauding army had returned south. Then, a few weeks later, once he was sure they wouldn’t be compromised he popped the question at the Drovers’ Inn on the shores on Loch Lomond, and here we are 8 months later.


Now, I would also take this opportunity to say just how stunning the bride looks today. Emily, you always look amazing but today I think everyone will agree you look incredible. Frank certainly is one lucky guy and along with cutting his hair, asking you to be his wife, is one of his greatest ever decisions. I know Emily, that not only are not only are you a beautiful, intelligent woman but you are also a person of strong moral conviction. Not just anyone would offer to change their political vote in order to take complete control of the wedding but I think we all admire your spirit, openness and willingness to be bought. The decision, however, was the correct one because today has been fantastic and the organisation superb. Who would have thought that an English/Scottish alliance where both sides think they’re doing each other a favour, would work so brilliantly. I think in future, if it’s a ‘no’ vote, England should look after the timetabling and Scotland the drinks and entertainment.


I can see how incredibly happy you have made my old friend over these last eight years and just how much you have helped to change his life for the better. He’s always been a great guy buy now he has wider horizons and a greater sense of adventure. And I know just how much of a support you’ve been to him through the tough times. I think you are a great couple and I look forward to many more happy times together in the future.


Frank, who would have thought all those years ago, going to see the Inspirals when we were kids, that I would be here today making your best man speech? Well, you’ve been an important part of my life ever since those times and I’m thrilled that not only are you a great friend but that I now get the chance to work with somebody I respect and value above all others.


With your laid back, calm and sensitive approach to life, you’re somebody that many people count themselves lucky to have in their lives. Not just because of your willingness and ability to help them out as a friend but because your fun and light hearted ways mean you’re always a great guy to be around.


I am so happy that you Frank has found such a special person to share their life with and all that remains for me to say is that I hope you have a great day today and enjoy a long and happy life together.


Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom!

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