Good evening ladies and gentlemen, for those of you I haven’t had the chance to meet yet, my name is Dave and it is my great pleasure and privilege to be Nick’s best man for today’s celebrations. As everyone knows the best man should be the friend who is most able to talk in sentences and the least likely to reveal any of the dodgy stuff. Oh dear Nick, what have you done?
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, over the next few minutes I’ll be taking you on the rollercoaster ride that’s been Nick’s first 31 years on this planet. From being cast into weekend slavery, to assaulting dead cats with bricks, to harnessing the romantic power of the chicken nugget, it’s all here chapter and verse. If you think that sounds a bit far fetched then, you’d be right. That list should have read: Golf, DIY and reading newspapers. However, for fear of Katie changing her mind with the sudden realization of just how boring Nick is, I decided to dig a bit deeper.
I first properly met Nick way back in 1994 when we started secondary school together. Little did we know it at the time but it was the start of a beautiful relationship, which, for me, EVENTUALLY proved worth pursuing years later when I was able to borrow all his notes and pass my A Levels. Of course, Nick didn’t need them because he might look quite cool now but he was in fact a complete square at school. He was rocking the hard work and clever tip long before Stephen Hawking made it cool.
Going to secondary school in Essex back in the day, learning was pretty much optional, but Nick being Nick could somehow see the benefits of a formal education. The day when he could read without putting his finger on the word and then count without using his hands, were both real breakthrough moments in his life, only to be capped a few weeks later when he passed his driving test.
So it was actually about this time that both Nick and I were sold into slavery to work in the supermarket chain Somerfield along with our mate Jim. Now, this was at a time before the Human Rights Act really had any meaning in this country and so we both found ourselves working 8 hour shifts for a whopping £2.22 an hour. But I don’t want Ron and *** worrying, so you’ll be relieved to hear that Nick has almost doubled his rate since then! Anyway there weren’t many highlights to being on minimum wage in the frozen section of nobody’s favourite supermarket, in fact if I remember rightly, there was only one. Nick had been asked to use his initiative to dispose of a 2 litre tub of chocolate ice cream – no big deal you might think. Well, Nick decides to take it into the staff toilets and empty it into the loo. Ladies and gentlemen, a big tub of melting chocolate ice cream can make a big impression when poured into a toilet and can only ever give the next person in there the wrong idea. And it did. From then on half the people thought he had dodgy guts the rest thought he ate on the toilet. Both of which, are in fact, true.
But Nick is a great guy and one with such an open and honest nature that he gets along with everyone, which is great up to a point. You see, when most students are asked by their Biology teacher what they’re going to do with this afternoon’s free periods in the run up to exams, most wouldn’t dream of replying that they’re ‘going to go to the driving range, then going to put a pizza in the oven, before chilling in the garden and going to the pub’. But then most people aren’t Nick.
However, despite Nick’s alternative revision method he somehow managed to get great grades and get himself to a place called Sheffield University to study for his boyhood dream of contemporary Dance. Unfortunately upon arriving and realising that it was nothing to do with Garage music, therefore rendering his favourite ‘tree chopping’ dance move useless, he opted for a course in Geography and so began his path to a career as a chartered surveyor.
Now as he embarked on adult life Nick was to learn the hard way just what it is to be a man, and the number one rule is: if you are going to offer to buy the drinks in happy hour, it’s best not to drop the entire lot down yourself as you get back to the table thus meaning you have to go and buy it all again just after happy hour’s finished. Also you should only ever do a runner from a restaurant via the roof if you HAVENT’ actually paid the bill. Leaving Prezzo’s this way one evening after settling up and leaving a good tip, still doesn’t make any sense to anyone. And certainly had nothing to do with me!
At this point I thought I should cover Nick’s dating days…<pause>….yep that should do it. No, seriously Nick is a great bloke but for some reason a combination of driving around a white Mk2 Fiesta complete with decorative rust patches, reading multiple newspapers a day and wearing the same green polo shirt to V-Festival for 3 years running, he never really met the right girl. The fact that he also looked like Kevin Keegan’s love child, also didn’t help. That was until that fateful night, on the last train from London when he met the lovely Katie and smooth talked her after another mate of ours offered her a complimentary chicken nugget, and the rest is history.
In a world, which looks down upon fast food, I think we all need to think again.
OR: I’ve been in touch with McDonald’s and they said whilst that falling in over chicken nuggets is a great story, they get half a dozen of these anecdotes from Essex alone every week.
But to finish on a serious note, Nick, you really have been a great friend to me over the years. To use a cliché, you are very much the brother I never had. We’ve had some great experiences together and you’ve always been there for me when I needed it, and I really do thank you for all, or a least MOST, of your help and advice. I know in Katie you’ve found someone very special AND DOESN’T SHE LOOK ABSOLUTELY AMAZING TODAY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! And I’m looking forward to spending lots of time with you both in years ahead.
So it just remains for me to say I wish you all the happiness and luck in the world and to raise a glass to you both.
Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom!
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