Speech 5

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, for those of you I haven’t yet had the pleasure of meeting my name is David and it’s my very great pleasure and privilege to be Martin’s best man for today’s celebrations. I am of course lying – it would be much more enjoyable for everybody if I was sat amongst you and listening to somebody else speak but Martin has entrusted me as the person most likely to be able to speak in sentences and the one least likely to reveal the dodgy bits…Oh dear Martin…what have you done?


Over the next few minutes I shall be taking you through the rollercoaster ride that has been Martin’s life up until this point. It’s a pretty racy affair, so for those of you not comfortable listening to sordid tales about car cleaning, DIY or commercial lighting, then I sincerely apologise in advance. Actually maybe I should just apologise in advance to everyone.


I met Martin many years ago when he was training to be an electrician. This of course makes him sound quite an intelligent and switched on bloke but sadly this is not the case. Martin was a desperately flawed character then, and that has unfortunately persisted to this day.


Way back in the eighties when everybody’s taste was pretty questionable, Martin managed to find even more unique levels of naffness. Almost certainly modelling himself on television superstars, The Professionals, poor old Martin couldn’t quite afford the groovy Ford Capri and leather jacket combination that defined the style icons of the time. However, in Martin’s mind this was no barrier to looking great and driving a hot set of wheels. Those who saw the young man cruising coolly in the Ford Cortina estate, with Hawaiian shirt and dodgy perm, were never to forget him, neither was the landlord of the pub where he managed to crash the passion wagon.


Anyway, another set of well known people called…The Police… were also never to forget him, or to be more precise – his bottom. Yep, that’s right, when he wasn’t wearing awful clothes, he was frequently to be found taking them off too, and on one notable occasion in my car…as I was driving it. Clearly Martin may have had an issue with exactly how to effectively communicate with girls and thought the best thing to do was drop his trousers and show this particular girl his not so peachy behind. Luckily for him the local constabulary were also on hand to get a bird’s eye view and promptly arrested him. His disgrace was complete when the officers informed him they were going to have to take photographic evidence of his bottom. Unfortunately they didn’t have the super wide angle lens the subject required and he was let go with a caution.


Martin’s perm also came into its own during his football days. In an era when everyone from Graeme Souness to Kevin Keegan was sporting great big curly girls’ hair dos, he looked just the part. Unfortunately he played football more like a big girl than one of those dodgy looking sporting heroes but when you’re six foot four and have a large perm, you do bring a certain presence on to the pitch. But for a big lad he does have his delicate touches. As his considerable frame was flung off the back of the jet ski on his stag do he was airborne in a very graceful and composed way before crashing into a heap in the water. Not bad for 46!


From those early days of training to be an electrician Martin’s career has gone from strength to strength and he’s now an expert in the field of Sales of commercial lighting. So with an in depth knowledge of spotlights and a passion for putting up shelves in his spare time, it was little wonder that the beautiful Sarah could resist his charms. And Martin is also deeply, deeply in love. When he’s not talking about her, he’s taking photographs of her and every week likes to give her a good wash on the drive. She makes him feel like a real man and when they’re alone together the chemistry between them is electric. Yes, that’s right; Sarah’s got Martin and Martin’s got his beloved Mercedes E250 convertible, or as you and I will know it: a mobile mid life crisis.


It’s not so much that he’s besotted with his car it’s just that he doesn’t like anyone, or anything, touching it and that’s because he spends every waking hour when not at work, cleaning the thing. Quite where this relationship is going to end isn’t clear but let’s hope it’s not in a crumpled heap in a pub car park.


Martin, we’ve known each other a long long time now and you’ve been a sympathetic and generous friend, who’s always been ready to help me out. And that generosity knows no bounds ladies and gentlemen, because the man you see before you even donated his sister to my dating days, who then became my wife. At this point I should say that she happily shares none of Martin’s fascinations with Hawaiian shirts, car cleaning or commercial lighting.


Seriously Martin, you’ve been a great mate over the last 25 years and we’ve shared a lot of funny moments and helped each other out through the difficult bits. I know that in Sarah you have found somebody who truly makes you happy and really makes your life complete…even more complete than the Mercedes! We’ve enjoyed many great times since we first got to know each other and I hope that those will continue for many years to come.


All that’s left for me to say is that I hope you have a wonderful day today and I wish you both all the very best for the future.


Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom!

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